I had a little break down this weekend. It came over me quite unexpectedly while I was reorganizing our bedroom. The piles of clothes and miscellaneous clutter had been getting to me and I decided they needed to go. Right now. As I was putting stuff away, folding clothes, and doing laundry, I looked around and realized I wasn't happy with the result. It was nicely organized but it still looked like crap. I do not like the plastic stackable bins that hold my clothes, I do not like the shelf Ryan brought in from the garage for me, and I hate the fact that I do not have a place to store my bead and craft supplies. One where I can easily access them and Lola cannot get into them without supervision.
I laid down on our bed and took in the room. I am usually good at making the most of small spaces but this time it wasn't working for me. Because this is not my house. I can't take a hammer and nails and hang up a shelf, high enough to thwart a toddler. I cannot bring in my own furniture because there is no room for it. As I was lying there, not having a place of my own weighed heavily on me. It's not just this house, it's every house I have lived in since I moved to the US.
When we moved into Snug Harbor, our 700 square feet quaint cottage was filled to the brim. Ryan's things mostly, and what little I had brought with me from Holland. It was far too small to accommodate all our stuff. The furniture was too big. Nothing matched. It felt cramped. We fixed the house up on the outside, but the inside never received the love it needed. Before we were able to tackle that project, we were forced to move again, and found ourselves living in even smaller quarters. And surrounded by bins, dozens of bins, stacked to the ceiling.
I am so sick of not having a nice, comfortable house of my own. One that Ryan and I shape together. Where the furniture matches, where everything has its own place. Where Lola can play. Where I can craft. Where Ryan can make music. Where we can live. I want it more than anything. It breaks my heart that it seems further away than ever.
Please don't get me wrong. I truly appreciate my parents-in-law taking us in. They have a beautiful house, on the lake, surrounded by nature. I love having a fully functioning kitchen at my disposal, not one but three bathrooms, a hot tub, a fireplace operated by remote control, a dishwasher, and a washing machine. For homeless people, we are pretty well off. But it's not ours. Once again we are making do. We have been making do for so long.
It will be a while longer before we can make our dreams of having a home of our own a reality. And we'll make that work. We are fine, really. It just gets to me every now and then. So I throw myself a little pity party, my husband consoles me, and we get back on track. We make do. We're getting pretty good at it.
7 comments:
I have no doubt that you guys will find a place of your own sooner than you think and it will be beautiful, inside and out. It would be hard for me to be constantly moving as well. I'm one of those people who needs my home to reflect my spirit and when I feel my surroundings and me are totally out of sync I feel off. Was thinking of you today. Want you to come down soon if you can.
xxx
Laura
I have gone through exactely same thing. I first felt at home here in Swizerland after we moved into our own house. My home is not Sweden, not Bern and Switzerland but the is contained within the 4 corners if our garden. We paint, we can build and plan according to our needs and wishes. This makes a big difference.
I feel for you! It must be so tough. I'm sure your dreams will come true! (And then you won't have the money to decorate how you want or fix the holes in the walls....that's what gets me down) Take care!
I understand too. One day I would like to visit my furniture in Texas....but I know it will get better for you both. You are on the right track and have family support. Buck up little camper! Miss you!
I'm sorry. I hope one day, very soon you have a place of your own that makes you feel joyful and comfortable.
Thank you so much for visiting on my SITs day!
Hang in there Hannes! Het helpt soms ook om het even van je af te schrijven in plaats van degene die het dichtst bij is (of jezelf) de schuld te geven. En ook al heb je wel al die luxe van een eigen nieuw huis, soms heeft het wat meer tijd nodig voordat je je daar weer echt thuis voelt. Voor mij is de Bremstraat nog lang niet altijd 'home sweet home'. Dingen hebben tijd nodig. De Atjehstraat was is veel opzichten helemaal jouw plek, maar in andere opzichten heb je nu ook je plek in the promised land voor een stukje al gevonden. Miss you too.
This is a tough spot to be in. I, too, live in a place that I can't decorate as I would like. It makes me long for the days when I had my first few apartments and everything was so carefree and so "me". Now, with the need for practicality and other people's tastes and feelings to consider, I allow mine to get pushed to the wayside. I don't know if there is a happy middle. If you husband is sensitive enough, perhaps you could talk to him in a calm way about wanting a corner for you. There must be a corner somewhere - maybe you could take one of the bathrooms and make it a craft room - put a board over the bathtub and call it a table and you would have water handy for clean up!
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